Fiona Apple, Regret (lyrics)

Wow. Stumbled upon this song tonight and been playing it on loop for the last half hour.

It’s about to rain big time. YouTube link to the song:

Member when we argued on the concept of regret?
You were an expert even then but not me, not yet
Now all you gotta do’s remind me that we met
And there ya got me, that’s how you got me, taught me to regret

Member how I asked you why are you so mean?
You didn’t know how react to bein’ seen
I tried to be your friend, you made me seem so ?
And there ya got me, that’s how you got me, ya taught me to be mean

I ran out of white dove feathers
To soak up the hot piss that comes through your mouth
Every time you address me

Member when I was so sick and you didn’t believe me?
Then you got sick too and guess who took care of you?
You hated that, didn’t you? Didn’t you?
Now when you look at me, you’re condemned to see
The monster your mother made you to be
And there ya got me, that’s how you got free, you got rid of me

Leave me alone
Leave me alone, leave me alone
Leave me alone, leave me alone


I find myself in a strange position of having a lot of free time, which is exactly what i have wanted for so long. What i didn’t expect is that i wouldn’t know what to do with it.

My brother germanely came across this article that recapitulated some letters between Vincent Van Gogh and his brother Theo. The former brother wrote to the latter:

There’s the one who’s an idler through laziness and weakness of character, through the baseness of his nature… Then there’s the other idler, the idler truly despite himself, who is gnawed inwardly by a great desire for action, who does nothing because he finds it impossible to do anything since he’s imprisoned in something, so to speak, because he doesn’t have what he would need to be productive, because the inevitability of circumstances is reducing him to this point. Such a person doesn’t’ always know himself what he could do, but he feels by instinct, I’m good for something, even so! I feel I have a raison d’être! I know that I could be a quite different man! For what then could I be of use, for what could I serve! There’s something within me, so what is it! That’s an entirely different idler.

I also came across passages about idleness from Tom Hodgkinson’s book How to Be FreeHodgkinson, who also wrote an earlier book called How to Be Idle, notes, “doing nothing – literally doing nothing – can help fight anxiety. One strategy is simply to let things flow through you” (12). Hodgkinson also quoted the philosopher Frederich Nietzsche:

To close the doors and windows of consciousness for a time; to remain undisturbed by the noise and struggle of our underworld of utility organs working with and against one another; a little quietness, a little tabula rasa of the consciousness, to make room for new things, above all, for the nobler functions and functionaries, for regulation, foresight, premeditation (for our organism is an oligarchy) – that is the purpose of active forgetfulness, which is like a doorkeeper, a preserver of psychic order, repose and etiquette: so that it will be immediately obvious how there could be no happiness, no cheerful, no hope, no pride, no present, without forgetfulness.

The first passage resonates more easily with me: “he doesn’t have what he would need to be productive, because the inevitability of circumstances is reducing him to this point” of idleness.”  My formal participation is beginning to draw to a close with both the seed company and the farm. I have been working on all sorts of projects to keep myself busy, not altogether uninspiring or uninteresting, but but none of them feel like my calling, like a true next step.

The active forgetfulness is difficult. These have been traumatic times. Forgetfulness feels like denying trauma, and without a true conclusion to the place that I live in, forgetfulness seems premature.

Sigh. I’ve never been in this place where i truly do not know what lies ahead for me. I feel like i am waiting for forces outside of me to unfold with little control on effecting the outcome. It’s difficult. And the possibility of growing unhealthy in idleness is definitely something i’ve faced: depression and anxiety catalyzed by idleness; mistreating my body; all those things are possible in this interim time.



A small trail for self-healing and understanding

I mentioned i haven’t been reading much. I can’t exactly explain why, but i’ll try. It has something to do with how it requires me to identify putting myself into the stories of other people’s lives, and for some reason i can’t do that. My body is too overwhelmed.

There are a couple of pieces that have struck me though. They are short and most are spiritually-oriented.

How It Feels To Have Anxiety in a Relationship.

What If We’re Wrong About Depression? I just read this piece tonight and liked these two alternative analyses.

This article on the second chakra.

This reading of the Reverse Five of Swords tarot card. Justin and Mariana drew it for me. I wasn’t there when it happened.

These runes, which were pulled from a rune reading:

the dusk


I hoard the dusk
anxiously, not wanting
to squander one particle of light.

The day does not heal:
the night offers choices
without answers. The dusk is
the heaviness of suspension.

I cannot go indoors
without witnessing
the sylvan hills
green grey expiration.

only hope in the shadows;
they articulate and clarify shapes.
only take comfort in their interplay
and inbetweenness.